Good at It but Drained by It? Why We Pulled the Pin on Our Own Program

Sep 27

8 min read

Key takeaways

Being good at something isn't the same as being energised by it. Marcus Buckingham calls a skill that drains you an ability, not a strength.
Resistance that lasts for months is worth taking seriously. Research on goal self-concordance shows goals you pursue out of obligation get less sustained effort than goals you genuinely want.
The label you give your work changes how it feels. Consulting (diagnose, fix, step back) and coaching (stay with someone through the change) draw on very different energy.
An offer that doesn't land is market feedback. Our workshop series showed us our audience wants help with revenue and AI first.

We took a month off the podcast. In that month we ran a retreat in Bali, came home, both got sick, and pulled the pin on a program we'd already started announcing.

The reason was simple and uncomfortable. Sam was good at something she didn't enjoy, and she'd been pushing through it for months. If you've ever been good at something but don't enjoy it, this one's for you.

We're Kate De Jong, a PhD engineer turned business strategist, and Sam Morris, a Navy veteran who's spent 20 years in business working out what makes businesses tick and what makes them stall. This was our full disclosure episode. Here's what happened, what we worked out, and what the research says.

What Happens When You Finally Slow Down?

Why does stepping away from the business feel so uncomfortable, and why does it matter?

Slowing down feels uncomfortable because running flat out has become normal. It's also the only way the real problems get space to surface.

There were six of us on the east coast of Bali, in Sanur. We finished at 2pm every day. On day one the rule was simple: no solutions and no "how". Just big-picture, expansive thinking about where you want the business to go.

It was harder than it sounds. Most people turned up running on empty, and we'll put our hands up there too.

“Business owners who have been running at full speed for so long that it's kind of a little bit of a shock to slow down and realise what it feels like just to settle for a minute and have that space to think.” — Sam Morris

Kate talked the group through the sine wave. In nature, effort is followed by an equal amount of rest and recovery. Most business owners do the effort part and skip the recovery.

That lines up with Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz's work in The Power of Full Engagement (2003). They built it from years of working with elite athletes. Their core idea is oscillation: spending energy, then genuinely recovering it. They describe natural cycles of roughly 90–120 minutes, after which the body starts asking for recovery. They call the opposite linearity, which is going too long without recovery. In their model, recovery is part of performance, not a break from it.

For us, that space is what let the real issue surface.

What Does "Out of Alignment" Actually Mean?

How do you tell the difference between fear and a genuine "this isn't for me"?

Out of alignment means you keep putting something off and can't find real enthusiasm for it. The hard part is working out whether that's fear or a genuine no.

Kate pinned it down:

“To me, out of alignment means that you're procrastinating on something, you're not feeling fully enthusiastic about it, you haven't got all cylinders roaring ready to go. You're not like, yep, this is awesome, let's go, let's do it.” — Dr Kate De Jong

Kate had watched Sam push back on leading workshops, and on filling them, for at least six months. Sam had been wrestling with the same question the whole time:

“Is it just me being afraid to do it? Or is it genuinely that that is not what I want for me?” — Sam Morris

That's the right question, and there's solid research behind taking it seriously. Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot's work on goal self-concordance looks at why people pursue a goal, not just what the goal is. Across three studies published in 1998, goals people pursued because they genuinely valued them predicted whether they reached them. The strength of pressure-driven motivation didn't. Their 1999 follow-up found self-concordant goals get more sustained effort, and reaching them does more for your wellbeing.

"You're so good at this, you should do it" is a pressure reason. It can come from people who mean well. It still doesn't give you the fuel to keep going.

Resistance isn't always a sign to stop. Sometimes it's fear, and you push through it. But if it's been there for months, it's worth asking which one it is.

Is Being Good at Something the Same as Being Built for It?

Why do skilled business owners burn out doing work they're good at?

No. Being good at something means you have the skill. Being built for it means the work gives you energy back, and those two things don't always come together.

People have told Sam for years that she's good at coaching and teaching. Here's how it feels from the inside:

“When I'm in the position of coaching and teaching, I never have a sense of satisfaction that I've presented well or I've achieved well for the people that are sitting in front of me.” — Sam Morris

The turning point came from an unlikely place. Sam, a self-confessed lurker, replied to a question in one of James Wedmore's Facebook groups. His answer was blunt: it's not your job to take responsibility for other people's outcomes. It named exactly what was going on.

“I'm getting more attached to the person's outcome than the person does.” — Sam Morris

Marcus Buckingham, who spent close to two decades as a researcher at Gallup, draws the line clearly. He says a strength is an activity that makes you feel strong. Something you're good at but that drains you is an ability, not a strength. His test has three parts: you look forward to it beforehand, you're absorbed while you're doing it, and you feel fulfilled afterward. Coaching fails that last part for Sam every time.

Human Design was part of how this came up for Sam in Bali. Her chart shows her as a Generator, which in Human Design means she's designed to respond rather than initiate. Sam likes Human Design because it doesn't ask you questions. She thinks people answer personality tests the way they've been trained to, not how they really are. We went deeper on why most of us overestimate our own self-awareness in Episode 15. Whatever tool you use, the value is the honest conversation it starts.

Consulting or Coaching: Does the Label Matter?

Can renaming the work change how it feels to do it?

Yes. Calling the same skill "consulting" instead of "coaching" changed what Sam was responsible for, and that changed how the work felt.

Kate reframed what Sam does best as consulting. Go in, find the bottleneck, fix it, and move on to the next problem. The business is happy because the bottleneck is gone. Sam doesn't carry the implementation.

“If the hat doesn't fit, you've got to put on a different hat.” — Sam Morris

There's a framework for this. Organisational psychologist Edgar Schein described three ways of helping. In the expert model, the client has already worked out the problem and buys a specific skill. In the doctor-patient model, the helper diagnoses the problem and prescribes the fix. In process consultation, the helper works with the client so the client can see the problem and act on it themselves.

The way we read it, coaching sits close to process consultation. It's an ongoing relationship where the client owns the change, and the helper keeps showing up. Sam's consulting is the doctor-patient model: diagnose, prescribe, step back. Neither is better. They just draw on very different energy.

Sam described how she sees our partnership:

“I'm not up the front leading everyone, I'm at the back making sure that everyone's moving along and not straying from the trail of where the leader is taking them.” — Sam Morris

Kate is the opposite. She loves leading a room, reading the group and shifting the energy when people get stuck. Marketing, revenue and emotional intelligence are her happy place, and her new book on emotional intelligence is on its way. Systems work for other people isn't. It's a good split, as long as neither of us is pretending to be the other.

What Did an Offer That Didn't Land Teach Us?

How do you read market feedback when a launch doesn't take off?

A launch that doesn't take off tells you where your audience's real pain is. Ours told us they want help with revenue and AI first.

This year we ran a workshop series working through the Thriving Business Wheel. Revenue generation had strong interest, and so did AI. Once we moved on to profit and systems, interest dropped off. Leadership got virtually none.

That doesn't mean profit and leadership don't matter. They do. But as Kate put it, you don't have much profit to manage until you've got good revenue coming in.

Kate pointed to Matt Church's view that you should expect around half of what you try to fail. The point is what you learn from it. The workshops weren't wasted either. Sam sat in the room, listened to where people got stuck, and built the eight prompts that became the AI Setup Workbook.

One man at our retreat has been in business 21 years and has 10 staff. He worked through the prompts by the pool. One prompt took him four hours, because it was the first time in years he'd stopped to think about where the business was heading.

So What's Next for Us?

What's changing, and what's staying the same?

We're shelving The Engine Room and putting our energy into a self-paced resource. It suits both of us.

The Engine Room is shelved, not scrapped. It was a good concept. It's not right for us right now.
The podcast isn't going anywhere. We've got guests lined up and we're getting back to a regular schedule.
The Thriving Business Launchpad is coming. It takes the whole Thriving Business Wheel and gives you AI prompts for every quadrant, so you can work through it in your own time. We've promised it before the end of the year.
The AI Setup Workbook is getting a version two, split into two parts.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do if I'm good at something but don't enjoy it?

Treat it as information, not a character flaw. Check whether the resistance is fear of something new or a pattern that's lasted months. If it's the second, look for ways to delegate it, reframe it, or stop offering it.

What's the difference between a skill and a strength?

A skill is something you can do well. Marcus Buckingham defines a strength as an activity that makes you feel strong: you look forward to it, you're absorbed while doing it, and you feel fulfilled afterward.

How do I know if resistance in my business is fear or a real no?

Fear usually eases once you start. A real misalignment keeps showing up as procrastination, low enthusiasm and no satisfaction afterward, even when the work goes well. Research on goal self-concordance suggests goals pursued out of obligation get less sustained effort.

Is it a failure if a new offer doesn't take off?

No. It's market feedback. Our workshop series showed us exactly which problems our audience wanted solved first, and it led to the AI Setup Workbook.

Where's the Resistance in Your Business?

Three questions to take into your week.

What have you been putting off for months, even though it's supposedly important?
Are you doing it because you want to, or because someone told you you're good at it?
If you called it something different, would it feel different to do?

“Just because you're good at it doesn't mean that you have to love it.” — Sam Morris

Listen to the full episode

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