How to Keep Going When Life Falls Apart (and Your Business Still Needs You)

1 day ago

8 min read

Key takeaways

A life quake is a sudden, unexpected event big enough to split your life into before and after. Most of us will go through several.
Hiding a life quake at work costs energy you don't have, and what you push down tends to come back harder.
How to keep going when life falls apart often comes down to small daily routines, like exercise, a walking group or a three-line gratitude list.
If you lead people, treat them as whole people. Something at home will show up at work.
One person's kindness can change how someone gets through a crisis. Donna West calls it the power of one.

Kate De Jong and Sam Morris with headphones on

We're Dr Kate De Jong, a PhD engineer turned business strategist, and Sam Morris, a Navy veteran who's spent 20 years in business working out what makes businesses tick and what makes them stall.

For 809 days, Donna West couldn't go to work, and she couldn't tell anyone why. If you've ever wondered how to keep going when life falls apart, her story is a good place to start.

She'd worked in the same government department for about 25 years. Late in 2021 she was drawn into a Corruption and Crime Commission matter, and the rules meant she could be jailed for talking about it. She couldn't even talk to her doctor until she got special permission. An internal investigation followed, and in April 2023 she was suspended on full pay.

“And so I ended up being suspended from work for a total of 809 days.” — Donna West

Her name was finally cleared in June 2025. By then, going back wasn't an option.

Donna is a resilience expert and the founder of Donna's Balcony Views, and Kate sat down with her for our first episode of 2026. Donna calls what happened to her a life quake. This post is about what helped Donna rebuild, and what it means for you whether the life quake is happening to you or to someone on your team.

What is a life quake?

It's the event that splits your life into before and after.

A life quake is a sudden, unexpected and often traumatic event that's big enough to force you to rebuild. Donna came across the term when she was in the middle of her own, and it described exactly what she was going through.

The idea comes from author Bruce Feiler. In Life Is in the Transitions (Bruce Feiler, 2020), he describes a lifequake as a massive life change with aftershocks that can last for years. In an interview about the book, he said most of us go through three to five of them in a lifetime, and each takes around four to five years to work through.

Donna uses the same earthquake picture. Some life quakes sit right at the top of the Richter scale. Others are smaller, but they stack up. A counsellor once explained trauma to her as a sliding scale, where the smaller hits add up over time.

For business owners, a life quake never arrives at a convenient time. Clients still need you. Invoices still need paying. That's why Kate wanted Donna on the show.

Why does pretending you're fine cost so much?

Pushing it down doesn't make it go away.

Hiding a life quake takes energy you don't have, and what you push down tends to come back harder later. Most business owners we know are very good at hiding it.

“You kind of have to keep soldiering on and putting up the mask of 'I'm fine'. But behind the scenes, you're dealing with a life quake.” — Dr Kate De Jong

Donna's picture for what happens next is a simple one.

“I always think of it as like a balloon that you try and push underwater.” — Donna West

The deeper you push it, the harder it comes back up. The research lines up with her. In a well-known study, psychologist Daniel Wegner and his colleagues asked people not to think about a white bear. When they were later allowed to think about it, the people who'd tried to suppress the thought thought about it more than people who'd been told to think about it from the start (Wegner, Schneider, Carter and White, 1987). Trying hard not to think about something can feed the very preoccupation you're trying to avoid.

For Donna, the hiding wasn't even a choice. The secrecy rules meant she couldn't explain herself to colleagues, friends or her doctor. She told Kate the isolation was one of the most damaging parts, and she's now talking with a university professor about studying it formally.

That's the part we think business owners underestimate. You can be surrounded by clients and staff all day and still be completely alone with what's going on.

How do you keep going when life falls apart?

Small, ordinary routines did the heavy lifting for Donna.

You keep going when life falls apart by shrinking the job down to what you can manage today, and by building a few small routines that give you some control back. Getting through the day counts. In a life quake, survival mode is success.

Donna's turning point came in 2023. She'd reached what she called the end of the road, and she made a decision.

“I'm not letting these people impact on me in this way anymore.” — Donna West

From there, she built a handful of habits:

She started training for a marathon, because she suddenly had the time.
She got outside and exercised every day.
She started a walking group on Tuesday mornings, because the people she'd usually see were all at work.
She started a weekly newsletter about building resilience and wellbeing.
When she was at her worst, she wrote down three small things she was grateful for each day.

That last one has good evidence behind it. In Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough's study Counting Blessings Versus Burdens (2003), people who regularly listed things they were grateful for did better on several wellbeing measures than the comparison groups, and a lift in positive mood was the most consistent result.

Donna also talked about how hard we are on ourselves in the middle of it. Her test is a simple question.

“How would you treat your best friend if your best friend was going through what you are going through?” — Donna West

That's very close to how researcher Kristin Neff describes self-compassion: giving yourself the same compassion you'd naturally show a friend who's struggling. Her work breaks it into three parts: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness that lets you see the pain without pushing it away or drowning in it.

Recovery also isn't a straight line. Kate and Donna both described it coming in waves. A good stretch can be followed by a rough one, set off by something small. Donna's advice is to recognise that as completely normal, and not as a sign you're going backwards. We dug into this more in our post on growth mindset for business owners.

How can you support someone at work who's going through a life quake?

See the whole person, not only the job they do.

Support someone through a life quake by treating them as a whole person, with a life outside work that's shaping what you see at work. Ask how they're going, listen, and make it safe for them to tell you.

“I think a workplace is the whole person.” — Donna West

After 25-plus years in one organisation, Donna had watched colleagues go through all kinds of life events. Her point is that when someone's mood or work shifts, there's usually something behind it, and it might be at home, at work, or both.

Kate raised the other side of it too. For the person going through it, speaking up at work feels risky. It's your livelihood and your salary, so you tread carefully. That's exactly why the first move needs to come from the leader.

Donna also said something that stuck with us. She'd been known as a very hard worker, and she's since learned that being a hard worker can sometimes make you a target. Don't assume your high performers are fine just because the work keeps getting done.

If you lead a team, even a team of two, this is where emotional intelligence earns its keep. We wrote about that in how to develop emotional intelligence as a leader.

Why does one person's kindness make such a difference?

One decision by one person can change the whole story.

One person standing beside you can change how you get through a life quake. Donna calls it the power of one.

She learned the idea from a 92-year-old Holocaust survivor she interviewed for her own podcast. As a boy in Hungary during World War II, a stranger stood up for him at the entrance to a bomb shelter, and he believes that probably saved his life. More than 80 years later, he's still telling the story of that one decision.

“Everyone has a power of one, so every person has the ability to do something for the good or something for evil.” — Donna West

For Donna, the people in her corner were her family and the new friends she made through her walking group. In a business, it might be a business partner, a mentor, a team member or a client who notices you're not yourself and asks. Whichever side of the life quake you're on, it's worth remembering you can be that person for someone else.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a life quake?

A life quake is a sudden, unexpected event that's big enough to split your life into before and after, like a job loss, a death, a business collapse or a serious investigation. Author Bruce Feiler popularised the term in his 2020 book Life Is in the Transitions.

How long does it take to get through a life quake?

There's no set timeline. Feiler has said each one takes around four to five years to work through, and Donna's was about four years and still going. Recovery tends to come in waves rather than a straight line.

Should I tell people at work what I'm going through?

That's your call, and it depends on how safe it feels. Our view is that telling at least one trusted person lightens the load, because holding it all in tends to make it come back harder later.

How can a small business owner support a staff member in a personal crisis?

Start by noticing and asking, and treat them as a whole person, not just a role. Listen more than you advise, ask what would help, and be flexible where you can while they get through it.

What can you do this week?

Three small steps, whichever side of a life quake you're on.

Ask yourself what you're carrying right now that nobody at work knows about. Pick one trusted person and tell them this week.
Start Donna's list tonight. Write down three small things you were grateful for today, and keep going for seven days.
If someone on your team seems off, ask how they're going as a whole person, and ask what would help. Then listen.

“You've gotta have people, empathetic, loving, kind people, in your corner.” — Dr Kate De Jong

Life Quakes: When Everything Breaks and You Still Have to Show Up cover art

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