How to Become More Self-Aware as a Leader (When 95% of Us Think We Already Are)

Oct 2

8 min read

Key takeaways

Tasha Eurich's research found about 95% of people believe they're self-aware, but only around 10–15% actually are.
Self-awareness has two sides: how well you know yourself (internal) and how well you know how others experience you (external). You need both.
The only reliable way to close the gap is feedback from other people, and it's rarely comfortable.
Kate's path to becoming more self-aware rests on three qualities: curiosity, vulnerability and comfort with uncertainty.
You can't build a psychologically safe team if you don't know how you land with the people around you.

Sam has always thought of herself as an open book. She tells people things. Probably too much, if she's honest. So it stopped her cold when a friend told her the opposite.

She said to me, 'You're not open and you're a very difficult person to know.' That shocked me because my self-perception was I was an open book. — Sam Morris

That's the gap we unpacked in this episode, and it's why learning how to become more self-aware as a leader matters so much in a small business. How you think you show up and how other people experience you aren't always the same thing. Most of us never find out where they differ.

We're Dr Kate De Jong, a PhD engineer turned business strategist, and Sam Morris, a Navy veteran who's spent 20 years in business working out what makes businesses tick and what makes them stall. This episode sits in the leadership quadrant of our Thriving Business Wheel, and self-awareness is a topic Kate loves.

How many leaders are actually self-aware?

The number is a lot smaller than the number who think they are.

Organisational psychologist Tasha Eurich found that about 95% of people think they're self-aware, but the real figure is closer to 10–15% (Eurich, TEDxMileHigh talk; Insight, 2017). That leaves most of us walking around with blind spots we can't see.

95% of all people think they are self-aware. So if you go into a room and you say, who in this room thinks they're self-aware? Everyone will put their hand up. — Dr Kate De Jong

A blind spot is exactly that. It's the habit your team notices every week and you've never once clocked. Most of us can picture someone like that. The harder question is what yours are.

What's the difference between internal and external self-awareness?

One is how you see yourself. The other is how everyone else sees you.

Internal self-awareness is how clearly you understand your own values, emotions, strengths and weaknesses. External self-awareness is understanding how other people actually experience you (Eurich, "What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It)", Harvard Business Review, 2018).

Most people mean the first one when they say "I'm self-aware". They've done the journalling, the personality tests, maybe some therapy. They know their feelings well. But if the inside view doesn't match the outside view, there's still a gap. In truly self-aware people, the two line up.

Kate found this out the hard way about 20 years ago, back in her engineering days. She was leading a team of about eight and did her first 360-degree assessment, with feedback from her staff, two peers and two managers. It used the Life Styles Inventory, which maps behaviour on a circumplex: blue for constructive styles, red for aggressive/defensive styles and green for passive/defensive styles (Human Synergistics, The Circumplex).

She thought she was strong and assertive. The wheel showed plenty of blue, almost no red and a lot of green: approval-seeking, difficulty saying no, steering clear of conflict. Her team could see it. She couldn't. That's external self-awareness in one picture, and it's why Kate says the only real way to close the gap is to ask other people.

How do you become more self-aware as a leader?

Kate's answer is three qualities you can practise, not a test you pass once.

You become more self-aware by practising curiosity, vulnerability and comfort with uncertainty, and by regularly asking for feedback you might not like. Kate's writing a book on exactly this with a colleague, built around those three qualities.

If you cultivate those three qualities, you are on the path to greater self-awareness because you're constantly seeking new knowledge, you're constantly willing to get uncomfortable, and you're constantly willing to sit with what you don't know and be okay with it. — Dr Kate De Jong

Curiosity means wanting to know what's true about you, even the unflattering bits. Sam's shorthand for this is Ted Lasso. She calls the show a masterclass in self-awareness, because the characters keep having those "what have I done?" moments and choosing to grow from them.

Vulnerability means letting people tell you things you'd rather not hear, and not punishing them for it.

Comfort with uncertainty means being able to say "I don't know" without feeling like you've lost.

Eurich's research adds a practical tweak. When you reflect, swap "why" questions for "what" questions. "Why did I snap at that meeting?" keeps you stuck looking backwards. "What was going on for me, and what would I do differently?" moves you forward.

Why does a fixed mindset get in the way of self-awareness?

Because it treats not knowing as a threat instead of an opening.

A fixed mindset blocks self-awareness because it assumes you already know who you are, so there's nothing to learn from feedback. This picks up from our previous episode on growth mindset. Sam asked whether people with a fixed mindset would score low on self-awareness, and Kate didn't hesitate. They're fixed in their views about themselves and not open to new information.

Kate described sitting next to a very experienced businessman at a recent event. As the session moved into beliefs and feelings, his arms stayed folded. Eventually he got up and walked out. Sam's take was that arrogance is often a defence against fear, and Kate agreed.

Arrogance, dogmatism, they're all fear mechanisms for not wanting to be out of control, right? — Dr Kate De Jong

Sam sits at the other end of that spectrum.

When you hear I don't know, I get really excited because that's just giving me something else now that I'm gonna go and learn about. — Sam Morris

Which personality tools help you become more self-aware?

Different tools go to different depths. Pick the one that fits what you're ready to look at.

Tools like 360-degree feedback, the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs and BankCode each show you a different layer, from how others see your behaviour to what's driving it underneath. Here's how Kate uses them.

360-degree assessments (like the LSI) show the gap between how you see your behaviour and how others do. That's the external view you can't get on your own.
The Enneagram is Kate's favourite. It describes nine types and, in her view, goes past surface behaviour to your core fears, desires and coping strategies. She thinks that's exactly why most organisations won't touch it. It's confronting. There's a free online test, though Kate recommends getting some help interpreting your result.
Myers-Briggs is one Kate likes for career direction.
BankCode sorts people across four colours (Blueprint, Action, Nurture, Knowledge). It's the light, fun one to do as a team. Kate usually starts with it for every business owner she works with.

Kate's own Enneagram result didn't land well at first. Her consultant told her she was a type three, the achiever.

I read the type three description. I was like, No, that's not me. I hate those people. — Dr Kate De Jong

She's since come round to it. In her view, the type you resist hardest is often the one that fits, because it's showing you the parts of yourself you'd rather not own. What she loves about the Enneagram is that each type has a healthy-to-unhealthy spectrum, so it doubles as a growth path. And it gave her far more compassion for the people around her.

Sam's point was that small businesses don't have to wait for big corporates to make these tools normal. We can decide they're part of how we lead, and use them with our teams from day one.

What does self-awareness have to do with psychological safety?

You can't make a team feel safe to speak up if you can't see what you're doing to shut them down.

Psychological safety depends on self-aware leaders, because it's the leader's behaviour that tells people whether it's safe to speak up. Amy Edmondson's research on work teams found that team psychological safety is associated with learning behaviour, and that learning behaviour links safety to team performance (Edmondson, "Psychological Safety and Learning Behavior in Work Teams", Administrative Science Quarterly, 1999).

In Australia it's also a legal matter. Under WHS laws, businesses must eliminate or minimise psychosocial risks so far as is reasonably practicable (Safe Work Australia, model Code of Practice: Managing psychosocial hazards at work). How that applies depends on your state or territory, so check with your local WHS regulator.

Kate's point is that there's a huge gap between being told to make your workplace psychologically safe and knowing how. If you're not self-aware and your team isn't either, the odds are against you. People feel unsafe when speaking up gets them punished, even quietly. Sam nailed where that damage actually happens.

It is the unspoken rules that you follow that are actually more damaging than the spoken rules. — Sam Morris

You can have values painted on the wall. If the leadership isn't living them, people absorb whatever the real vibe is. That's why self-awareness sits at the foundation of leadership, and why our next episode builds on it with emotional intelligence.

Frequently Asked Questions

What's the difference between internal and external self-awareness?

Internal self-awareness is how well you understand your own values, feelings, strengths and weaknesses. External self-awareness is how well you understand how other people experience you. Tasha Eurich's research shows you need both, and they don't automatically go together.

How common is real self-awareness?

Less common than we think. Eurich found around 95% of people believe they're self-aware, but only about 10–15% actually are. Kate still puts herself in the majority, because she sees self-awareness as a lifelong practice rather than something you finish.

What's the fastest way to become more self-aware as a leader?

Ask for feedback from the people who work with you, ideally through a structured 360-degree assessment. Then get curious about the answers rather than defending yourself. Personality tools help you understand why you behave the way you do, but feedback shows you how it lands.

Which personality test should a small business owner start with?

Kate usually starts with BankCode because it's simple and works well in a team. If you want to go deeper, she recommends the Enneagram, ideally with someone to help you interpret it. Myers-Briggs is useful if you're weighing up career direction.

Three things to try this week

Small steps you can take before our next episode.

Ask two or three people you work with one question: "What's something I do that I might not notice?" Say thank you and don't argue.
The next time something goes sideways, swap "Why did I do that?" for "What was going on, and what would I do differently?"
Pick one tool (BankCode, the Enneagram or a 360) and do it this week. Then ask someone who knows you well whether the result sounds like you.

I think we miss the mark in leadership by failing to explore who we are. — Sam Morris

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